Monogamish Relationships: A Practical Guide to Mostly Monogamy

Many couples want a relationship that feels secure and committed without completely closing the door to outside sexual experiences. A term for this middle ground has gained wider use in recent years. This guide explains what it means, what research says, and how to talk about it with a partner.

What Does Monogamish Mean?

Dan Savage coined the term 'monogamish' in a July 20, 2011 column to describe couples who are mostly but not 100 percent monogamous^[1]. These couples have an agreement that allows for some amount of sexual activity outside the relationship, but the primary partnership stays at the center^[1]. Savage applied the term to his own relationship with his partner, and he has suggested that many couples who appear to be strictly monogamous may actually be more monogamish than people realize^[1].

The term has since moved into mainstream conversation^[1]. A 2017 documentary titled Monogamish explored contemporary attitudes toward monogamy, marriage, and alternative relationship structures in American society^[2]. It featured interviews with relationship experts, historians, psychologists, and ordinary couples, and psychotherapist Esther Perel was one of the main voices^[2]. The film examined various relationship models, including traditional monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, and monogamish relationships, and it highlighted the common tension between desires for security and novelty^[2]. Philosopher Mark Wrathall argued in support of traditional monogamous marriage, drawing on Søren Kierkegaard, which shows how varied the conversation can be^[2].

How Monogamish Compares to Other Non-Monogamous Styles

In everyday use, monogamish sits between strict monogamy and more expansive forms of consensual non-monogamy. Open relationships often involve separate outside sexual encounters, while polyamory usually includes the possibility of multiple romantic relationships. Monogamish arrangements, by contrast, tend to keep outside sexual activity limited, occasional, or highly conditional. Some couples only play together, such as in threesomes or group sex, while others allow solo encounters under specific rules.

A related term, 'tolyamory,' was introduced by Dan Savage in January 2024 on episode 900 of his podcast^[1]. A tolyamorous person is in a monogamous relationship and knows their partner occasionally has sex with somebody else, and they are willing to put up with it or turn a blind eye^[1]. The word is a portmanteau of the Latin words tolerare (to tolerate, to bear) and amor (love), similar in construction to polyamory^[1]. Tolyamory describes a more passive acceptance than an actively negotiated monogamish agreement, which typically involves explicit boundaries and communication.

What Research Tells Us

Studies have looked at monogamish relationships among gay, bisexual, and other sexual minority men, though the definitions used by researchers can vary. One community survey of 819 gay and bisexual men compared people who were single or in monogamous, open, or monogamish relationships^[6]. In that study, monogamish was defined as both men agreeing that any sexual activity with casual partners must happen when both members of the couple are present and involved, such as threeways or group sex^[6]. The 63 men in monogamish relationships demonstrated psychological and sexual health benefits relative to single men and men in open relationships, and they more closely resembled men in monogamous relationships than men in open relationships on those measures^[6].

A study of 161 matched gay couples found that 14.9 percent were categorized as monogamish^[5]. Monogamous men in that sample reported lower rates of marijuana use and other drug use compared to men in open and monogamish relationships^[5]. The researchers also found that partners' drug use was significantly interdependent overall, and that sexual arrangement and drug use during sex contributed to the prediction of unprotected anal intercourse with casual partners among non-monogamous men^[5].

In a large U.S. sample of 65,707 sexual minority men recruited through a geosocial networking app from 2017 to 2019, monogamish men were defined as those who permit outside partners when main partners are together^[4]. Among partnered monogamish men, the association between marijuana use and the occurrence of condomless anal sex with casual partners was significantly weaker than among single men^[4]. However, the association between club drug use and condomless anal sex with casual partners did not differ significantly from single men, for either occurrence or frequency^[4].

A 2023 study of partnered Latinx sexual minority men in the U.S. examined monogamish arrangements as one type of sexual arrangement relative to monogamous arrangements^[3]. The study found that language spoken with a partner, adherence to more general heteronormative beliefs, substance use, and machismo were associated with specific sexual arrangement groups, including monogamish^[3]. The authors noted that factors associated with sexual arrangements may be population specific for Latinx sexual minority men^[3].

Common Agreements in Monogamish Couples

There is no single way to structure a monogamish relationship. The key is that both partners understand and agree on what is allowed. Some common boundaries include the ones listed below.

These are suggestions, not research findings. What matters is that both partners genuinely agree and feel able to revisit the terms if something stops working.

• Playing together only, such as threesomes or group sex
• Allowing solo encounters only under specific conditions, like travel or a certain frequency
• Requiring a heads-up before any outside activity
• Keeping outside connections strictly casual with no ongoing romance
• Agreeing on safer sex practices and regular testing

Questions to Ask Before Trying a Monogamish Agreement

Before changing your relationship agreement, take time to talk through the details. Here are some questions that can help clarify expectations:

There are no universally right answers, and it is okay if you and your partner need time to think or if you disagree at first.

• What does outside activity look like for us? Solo dates, group play, or both?
• How much information do we want to share? Full disclosure, summaries, or a don't-ask-don't-tell approach?
• What safer sex expectations do we have, and how will we stay informed about testing and barriers?
• How will we handle jealousy, discomfort, or unexpected feelings?
• Are there any people who are off-limits, such as friends, coworkers, or exes?
• How often will we check in about how the arrangement is working?

Practical Tips for Making Monogamish Work

A monogamish agreement works best when it is explicit, mutually desired, and open to revision. Write down your boundaries in your own words and revisit them on a regular basis, not just when something goes wrong. Assume nothing: if a scenario isn't covered, talk about it before it happens rather than after.

Jealousy and insecurity can still arise, just as they can in any relationship. Allow room for those feelings without treating them as a sign of failure. Many couples find it helpful to have a plan for reconnecting after an outside experience, such as dedicated one-on-one time or a simple check-in conversation.

Sexual health is a shared responsibility. Agree on safer sex practices, get tested regularly, and speak openly about any changes in risk. If you have questions about testing frequency, prevention methods, or substance use, talk with a qualified clinician who understands your relationship structure.

Remember that a monogamish agreement is not a fix for a struggling relationship. If you are hoping outside experiences will fill a gap or solve a deeper problem, consider seeking support from a therapist who is knowledgeable about consensual non-monogamy. Many couples benefit from professional guidance before and during the transition.

A Middle Ground Worth Understanding

Monogamish relationships occupy a middle ground that resonates with many people who value commitment but also want some flexibility. The research base is still growing, and much of it comes from specific populations, so it is wise not to generalize too broadly. Still, the available studies suggest that monogamish arrangements can be associated with psychological and sexual health benefits for some people, particularly when compared with being single or in open relationships in the contexts studied^[6].

If you are curious about monogamish, the most important step is honest conversation with your partner. Discuss what you want, what you fear, and what you are willing to try. Move slowly, respect each other's limits, and be prepared to adjust. There is no single script for a healthy relationship, and monogamish is just one of many ways to build a partnership that feels honest and fulfilling.

Frequently asked questions